Death is a Beginning to a New LIfe...

...Priorities change. Things that used to be important no longer are.

I used to think thtat if I got one wish it would be that I would win the lottery and my whole life would be easy and perfect. Couldn't give a shit about that kind of thing anymore. Now every night as I am trying to fall asleep I make deals with God or pray that I can get one wish granted...anything that i want in this world. Obviously it would be to have my dad back. Nothing else matters. I still kind of feel like if I bargain enough or make enough promises that somehow God (or whoever is up there) will actually let him come back. Weird how your brain can believe something like that when you are so desperate.

Life is very different. I never truly enjoy anything anymore. Its always lingering in the background. The best and worst part of my days are waking up in the morning. I always open my eyes and lay in bed thinking about my day, the baby, my plans...and then SMACK it hits me in the face. I realize that my dad has died and my day will be shit and every day after that will be just as shitty. I go through that every single day.....a happy moment...a devastating moment.

This next 2 weeks will be particularily hard. My dad should be leaving on Tuesday for a holiday he was planning with his uncle, back to the old country to visit his mom and brothers. He was very excited about it and talked about it every day. Even worse, its his 60th birthday in 10 days. How will I ever survive that one? Fucking life.