A Letter to Death

Dear Death,

You have ruined my life. You have changed me. you have broken me.
You came in a brief moment but left me with a lifetime of pain.
I used to fear you but now I just despise you.
When you stop a heart do you not know that its beats kept many others alive too?
I know that eventually you come to all but did you have to come this soon?
Did you have to come at this point in life?
Now all I do is wait for you to strike again. Who is next?
I hate you. I hate you.

Gone

I decided to sit down and clean up my emails tonight. I started from the most current and worked my way backwards....until I got to emails written and received before April 11, 2009. Emails between me and my sister discussing what Xmas present we would buy our dad, or an email letting her know I was on my way out the door to meet dad for lunch. So many emails that mentioned my dad. and after April 11....absolutely nothing. I just can't wrap my head around the idea that one day life is perfect and the next day it will never ever be that way again.

I have to stop myself from thinking about the idea that I might live to be 80 and have to live the next 30 or so years without him. How do you carry on knowing this? People who have lost someone always say "it gets better with time". I don't believe it. I think it gets worse.

Back in the Saddle...

Apparently I have just signed up for a bootcamp class with my sister, SP. Fitness was my main focus in life since 2003. I loved running and lifting weights and pushing my body to the limits. Not now. Ever since I got pregnant I haven't been able to get back into it. Might be the 60 lb weight gain or seeing how every muscle in my body has turned into pure lard in the past year....who knows. I guess if Oprah never gives up...I will give it another shot.

Thursday Night TV

I have begun to organize my days based on television. Its bad, I know. I get excited for Monday night Bachelorette and look forward to Thursday night Office re-runs. I guess thats what happens. Baby M goes to sleep around 8 and SM (husband) is usually occupied with soccer or the computer or friends...so I have developed a relationship with my tv.

I honestly dont know what I would do without it. I have tried reading, and cleaning/organizing things around the house...but its too quiet. The tv fills up my brain with useless crap so I don't have an opportunity to think. Thats the best thing for me right now. I Thank you tv!

What happenned to my brain?

Everyone says that "pregnancy brain" exists....and now I believe them.

I do stupid things all the time now... Last week I took my Angelcare monitor back to Sears and argued with the sales clerk to exchange it for a new one. The previous evening as I was carrying the handset to the bedroom it mysteriously went dead. I spent a good couple of hours fiddling with the unit, moving it to different plug ins in the house....couldnt for the life of me figure out why it died.

Well, after bringing home my newly exchanged monitor I was so pissed that this one appeared to be "dead" also....I thought we must have some kind of electrical problem in our house that is frying all the electronics. Well....turns out I am retarded. Apparently the big button in the middle of the hand held portion...its the on/off button. Yep. A simple push of the button and presto! It turns back on. The Sears people are going to think I am an idiot. I really can't argue with them....