Well, here I am. I am going to try to not be as miserable from now on but I do have to briefly touch on what a horrible couple of weeks I have had.
This past Tuesday would have been my dad's 60th birthday. It was a very tough day. I tried my best though. I made a birthday cake for him (as I did every year before) and my sister and I took the baby and ate cake sitting next to my dad's grave. It was a beautiful evening...
Enough about that. We have decided to go on a holiday. I am honestly not in the mood for it and not even the least bit excited for it. I am going for the sake of the baby. I want her to have a family holiday every year...even though she won't remember this one. Maybe it will be good for me to get away.
I am getting restless again with my house. I want to renovate and change things and decorate. Whenever I get bored I want a new look. Unfortunately, my budget is not cooperating with me.
In closing I would like to point out that Ed on the Bachelorette was unfairly portrayed as having weiner issues in the latest episode. I believe it was all in the editing...I also believe that he was sun burned and uncomfortable. Poor Ed.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Family DInner Update
The results are in from the poll I had created about Family dinners....and the results are overwhelmingly unanimous.....Family Dinner every week should be happening. Thanks for voting!
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Death is a Beginning to a New LIfe...
...Priorities change. Things that used to be important no longer are.
I used to think thtat if I got one wish it would be that I would win the lottery and my whole life would be easy and perfect. Couldn't give a shit about that kind of thing anymore. Now every night as I am trying to fall asleep I make deals with God or pray that I can get one wish granted...anything that i want in this world. Obviously it would be to have my dad back. Nothing else matters. I still kind of feel like if I bargain enough or make enough promises that somehow God (or whoever is up there) will actually let him come back. Weird how your brain can believe something like that when you are so desperate.
Life is very different. I never truly enjoy anything anymore. Its always lingering in the background. The best and worst part of my days are waking up in the morning. I always open my eyes and lay in bed thinking about my day, the baby, my plans...and then SMACK it hits me in the face. I realize that my dad has died and my day will be shit and every day after that will be just as shitty. I go through that every single day.....a happy moment...a devastating moment.
This next 2 weeks will be particularily hard. My dad should be leaving on Tuesday for a holiday he was planning with his uncle, back to the old country to visit his mom and brothers. He was very excited about it and talked about it every day. Even worse, its his 60th birthday in 10 days. How will I ever survive that one? Fucking life.
I used to think thtat if I got one wish it would be that I would win the lottery and my whole life would be easy and perfect. Couldn't give a shit about that kind of thing anymore. Now every night as I am trying to fall asleep I make deals with God or pray that I can get one wish granted...anything that i want in this world. Obviously it would be to have my dad back. Nothing else matters. I still kind of feel like if I bargain enough or make enough promises that somehow God (or whoever is up there) will actually let him come back. Weird how your brain can believe something like that when you are so desperate.
Life is very different. I never truly enjoy anything anymore. Its always lingering in the background. The best and worst part of my days are waking up in the morning. I always open my eyes and lay in bed thinking about my day, the baby, my plans...and then SMACK it hits me in the face. I realize that my dad has died and my day will be shit and every day after that will be just as shitty. I go through that every single day.....a happy moment...a devastating moment.
This next 2 weeks will be particularily hard. My dad should be leaving on Tuesday for a holiday he was planning with his uncle, back to the old country to visit his mom and brothers. He was very excited about it and talked about it every day. Even worse, its his 60th birthday in 10 days. How will I ever survive that one? Fucking life.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Family DInner
What has happenned over the years that we have all become so busy that we can't spare time to get together as a family anymore? Are our jobs that important? Is our free time that important? Shouldn't getting together with our families be more important than that selfish, self-serving crap? For years I have loved having my sister and my dad over for dinner...not that I love cooking, but I have always loved the idea of sitting down together around the table for a meal. I would do it every night if I could.
My dad understood the importance of this tradition. He would find time for us whenever we asked. he would cook the family dinner for us on a regular basis. He never complained, no matter how tired he was, if he worked all day, or if he wasn't feeling well. He loved more than anything, getting together with his kids, or gathering at his uncles house. My thoughts on this are that because he grew up in a very poor and hard time, he spent a lot of tie away from his brothers and mother....he valued the time he spent with us. He was never ever in a bad mood, he was always the most patient person and he smiled, laughed and joked non stop. He found joy in everything.
On the complete opposite side of the spectrum....my sister and I have bugged my mom for years that we want to spend more time with her, and have often asked/begged/pleaded with her that she make weekly dinners for us so we can get together. Well....thats not going to happen. She is a big shot banker and is "so tired" and "deserves free time". Please don't ever let me get to a point in my life where spending time with my daughter is a burden to me. My mom compensates by buying us things...offering monetary compensation. She is a good person but I beleive her priorities are not in order. See...my mom grew up in a loving, picture perfect family with fantastic parents and a mom who would still do everything for her given the chance. My mom had the "family dinner" life...and now takes it all for granted.
I realize that this is more important than ever now that I have a child. My child doesn't have any of my husband's family in the country and I want to create a great family life for her.....guess I will have to create traditions with just us and my sister.
My dad understood the importance of this tradition. He would find time for us whenever we asked. he would cook the family dinner for us on a regular basis. He never complained, no matter how tired he was, if he worked all day, or if he wasn't feeling well. He loved more than anything, getting together with his kids, or gathering at his uncles house. My thoughts on this are that because he grew up in a very poor and hard time, he spent a lot of tie away from his brothers and mother....he valued the time he spent with us. He was never ever in a bad mood, he was always the most patient person and he smiled, laughed and joked non stop. He found joy in everything.
On the complete opposite side of the spectrum....my sister and I have bugged my mom for years that we want to spend more time with her, and have often asked/begged/pleaded with her that she make weekly dinners for us so we can get together. Well....thats not going to happen. She is a big shot banker and is "so tired" and "deserves free time". Please don't ever let me get to a point in my life where spending time with my daughter is a burden to me. My mom compensates by buying us things...offering monetary compensation. She is a good person but I beleive her priorities are not in order. See...my mom grew up in a loving, picture perfect family with fantastic parents and a mom who would still do everything for her given the chance. My mom had the "family dinner" life...and now takes it all for granted.
I realize that this is more important than ever now that I have a child. My child doesn't have any of my husband's family in the country and I want to create a great family life for her.....guess I will have to create traditions with just us and my sister.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
A Letter to Death
Dear Death,
You have ruined my life. You have changed me. you have broken me.
You came in a brief moment but left me with a lifetime of pain.
I used to fear you but now I just despise you.
When you stop a heart do you not know that its beats kept many others alive too?
I know that eventually you come to all but did you have to come this soon?
Did you have to come at this point in life?
Now all I do is wait for you to strike again. Who is next?
I hate you. I hate you.
You have ruined my life. You have changed me. you have broken me.
You came in a brief moment but left me with a lifetime of pain.
I used to fear you but now I just despise you.
When you stop a heart do you not know that its beats kept many others alive too?
I know that eventually you come to all but did you have to come this soon?
Did you have to come at this point in life?
Now all I do is wait for you to strike again. Who is next?
I hate you. I hate you.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Gone
I decided to sit down and clean up my emails tonight. I started from the most current and worked my way backwards....until I got to emails written and received before April 11, 2009. Emails between me and my sister discussing what Xmas present we would buy our dad, or an email letting her know I was on my way out the door to meet dad for lunch. So many emails that mentioned my dad. and after April 11....absolutely nothing. I just can't wrap my head around the idea that one day life is perfect and the next day it will never ever be that way again.
I have to stop myself from thinking about the idea that I might live to be 80 and have to live the next 30 or so years without him. How do you carry on knowing this? People who have lost someone always say "it gets better with time". I don't believe it. I think it gets worse.
I have to stop myself from thinking about the idea that I might live to be 80 and have to live the next 30 or so years without him. How do you carry on knowing this? People who have lost someone always say "it gets better with time". I don't believe it. I think it gets worse.
Back in the Saddle...
Apparently I have just signed up for a bootcamp class with my sister, SP. Fitness was my main focus in life since 2003. I loved running and lifting weights and pushing my body to the limits. Not now. Ever since I got pregnant I haven't been able to get back into it. Might be the 60 lb weight gain or seeing how every muscle in my body has turned into pure lard in the past year....who knows. I guess if Oprah never gives up...I will give it another shot.
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